Another day you wake up, wash your face, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth and put on the mask. You go to work with a smile on your face, give people a joyful greeting, laugh at the jokes, mingle with your friends, then you head home, take off the mask and wonder why the joy isn't constant, the laughs aren't continual, why once you're in your comfort space you are a completely different person. Why can't I hold the tears back? Why do the littlest of things make me so angry? Why am I so heavy hearted?
People ask "how are you?" and you're always responding "good" just to avoid talking about what you're feeling because you know nobody will understand, yet, it kills you inside since you know you're not actually "good."
It's a battle between yourself, and it's the hardest battle to conquer. I've stepped into this invisible war that can't be talked about, can't be described, it's just between me and, me.
I have everything in the world to be happy about, I travel often, I have a good job, an amazing family, a roof over my head, what is there to be upset about? I ask myself the same question but can't seem to find an answer.
I found that the longer I kept this war quiet, the battle got louder. The shame got louder. The worthlessness got louder. I overreact to everything, I'm overly sensitive. I just can't do anything right.
Being trapped inside your head is so troublesome and agonizing but you HAVE to try and remind yourself of your worth, your purpose and that you are loved, oh so loved.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" Hebrews 12:1
In my devotional today I read that we have a cloud of witnesses in Heaven cheering us on, Moses, Abraham every believer who has ever lived is in the stands watching us live out our faith, that we are not alone. Nothing we do is private, God knows our ups, our downs, every single thought we have. These believers are rooting for us to be courageous, urging us to keep going, and when we feel insignificant or forgotten they're in our corner.
I needed that reminder because there are days where I do feel insignificant or alone, but I need to remind myself that God and all of Heaven is on my side, I have my own personal cheer squad. Remind yourself that you are not alone.
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