Morning skinny, you just woke up, nothing is in your stomach, you weigh around 5lbs lighter then you did the night before, you look good.
I'd wake up and look in the mirror and think "maybe I'll skip breakfast today." Lunch would roll around and I'd eat an apple, dinner came and I'd decide 'I'm not hungry.' It became a routine, an ugly routine. The seed of darkness feasted on this routine, it took root in my soul and had a voracious appetite. It fed on self hatred so each attempt to 'love myself' was just another tasty meal for it.
The toilet and my fingers became my best friend, I was sneaky, not a soul knew. I'd see myself through the eyes of hate, I allowed the voices saying I wasn't good enough take over my thoughts. I strived to keep myself at a size 00, people would comment "you're so skinny, you're losing too much weight" I thrived off of it. Every comment would bring me motivation to keep going down this disgusting spiral.
I moved to Australia and joined YWAM, it was community living, where you eat with a group, share a bathroom with a group and shared a room with a group. I'd have a few people call me out saying I wasn't eating enough or why I just eat veggies, but all they served were carbs, lots of them, could you blame me?
I tried to be sneaky but sharing a bathroom that doesn't have a lock on the door became difficult, people would walk in and the famous lies of "I have the flu" or "I think it could be food poisoning." People would catch onto them, I got caught.
People would pray for me, encourage me, keep me accountable and tell me I'm more valuable then I think but I didn't believe it.
I slowly started gaining weight, my jeans started to become tighter and tighter, I went overseas to Asia for my outreach and the hospitality in this culture is something else. I would eat 5 different meals for breakfast, 7 for lunch and 10 for dinner, daily. It's also culturally unacceptable to deny food, I've never felt so much weight on my body, you could see it in my cheeks, my legs and especially my stomach. I'd have panic attacks and run into the jungle when no one was around and use my fingers, combs, toothbrushes whatever I had to get it out of my stomach.
We got to the city and it was the first mirror I've seen in weeks, I looked at myself and heard Jesus speak, "you're beautiful."
"For you created in my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful" Psalm 139:13
I'd meditate on his verse. It wasn't till I fully understood it that I believed it. God created me. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit.
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Corinthians 6:13
God challenged me, I was complaining that I was gaining weight and God reminded me that I'm gaining weight because I'm serving him.
I was getting fat for Jesus!
We live a life where we feel shame over our struggles, it's okay to be weak, it's okay to speak about what you're going through and it's when you realize you weren't destined to carry these burdens on your own, is when you get your medicine, God's love.
After I gave my illness over to Jesus, he sparked something new in me, value. Every time I looked in a mirror Jesus would speak and remind me that I am beautiful, that I am good enough and that I do have value.
I discovered how powerful my own words were. "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the Spirit." Proverbs 15:4. Once I started speaking life and newness over my body I began to open my eyes and see myself how Jesus does.
God created man and He said it was good, God did not create us to get torn up over how big our arms are, how bloated your stomach may look or how much our thighs jiggle, but to be in AWE of his creation.
There has been times where I've been tempted to go back (especially after eating fast foods) and there's been times that I've slipped but that does not mean Jesus gave up fighting for my value.
You are valued, worthy, beautiful and strong. I'm not the only one who thinks so.
"My beloved is mine and I AM HIS." Songs of Songs 2:16
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